I feel blocked today. I started my June book this morning and because I want it to actually be a book this time I spent longer on it, deleting some parts where I went off on tangents, and thinking a little more about what I wanted to say. Then I went for my run, which was the first time I’d run on a weekday morning for two weeks, and it was lovely I have to say but it meant that writing this post was delayed even further. Then I also have work to do today, which is brilliant, given I’ve not had enough work coming in lately, but that’s added a bit more time pressure, especially as I’d already planned to go out for several hours tomorrow, before this work came in, so the amount of time I’ll have to work tomorrow is likely to be severely reduced, and I have decided to skip blogging tomorrow because of that as well. Then, finally, I have an appointment at 3 this afternoon, which again just reduces the amount of hours in my day. It seemed like a good time to have an appointment when I made it but now it’s made three days in a row of reduced time to get stuff done (as I also have a regular appointment on a Wednesday afternoon), and all of this just starts to pile pressure onto me.
This is a common pattern. One minute I have loads of time, almost too much time, to the point where I’m almost wondering what on earth I’m going to do with it all, and then in an instant, seemingly, everything changes, and I’m inundated. Is this just the normal course of life and something that happens to everyone, or am I doing something to cause this to happen, I wonder?
There’s nothing that blocks my ability to write more than a feeling that I don’t have enough time. I start feeling uncertain. Maybe I just shouldn’t bother writing today? Maybe I should move this around and do this instead? I end up spending so much time trying to decide what to do and for how long and in what order that I have even less time to get stuff done and the situation quickly becomes a vicious cycle.
I also have these days, and today seems to be one of them, where everything just seems to take longer. Maybe it’s simply that I’m in my head too much like I just said, trying to decide on the pros and cons of every potential task, or maybe it’s a bit of tiredness creeping in. I have been implementing these new habits for three or four days now and although it seems like it shouldn’t be too significant, the truth is I’ve gone from spending many hours sitting watching TV, to fitting in gardening, strength training, housework and extra work, as well as reducing my sugar consumption, which could all be leading to more fatigue than usual. Although I feel like I’ve been sleeping better, I’m still waking up very early, 4am this morning, and then going back to sleep, and this morning it took me half an hour of snoozing the alarm (which first went off at 6) to finally get myself up. Always a sure sign I’m more tired than usual.
So all of this is giving me a very unsettled feeling this morning. But, on the plus side, it’s given me something to blog about! There’s nothing easier to write about, I have to say, than anxious thoughts!
After all that, I’ve remembered an idea that came to me after I finished writing the first 1,667 words of my June book. I was writing the introduction to the book, which is going to be about using habits for 30 days to see whether they help with my anxiety and lead to more happiness. So I included my motivation for doing the experiment, and I realised that all of my motives were written as negatives. I was sleeping badly and I wanted to fix that. My garden and house were a mess. I didn’t have enough work. I hadn’t yet become a writer. I was eating too much sugar, etc etc. And I wondered if this negativity bias on my part has a negative influence on my life in general. Whether it would be more beneficial, and help me to achieve more success, if I were to rephrase those motives as positives. I want to improve my sleep and have more energy. I want to have a beautiful home and garden. I want to attract more freelance work. I want to be a paid author. I want to be healthy and lighter because I want to run faster. I definitely notice that, when I’m talking to other people, I have such a strong negativity bias and I’m sure that affects my ability to make friendships and just enjoy my social life. No one wants to talk to a Debbie downer for very long.
So I really must work on this but, like I say, I find it so much easier to write about the negative stuff, and especially the stuff I’m anxious about, as opposed to the stuff I’m excited about.