I’m taking a break from the posts related to A Course in Miracles today because I’m writing this before I read today’s lesson. Instead, today I’ve been thinking a lot about tiredness and running and getting things done, because I woke up today at 7am feeling really terrible. Such a change compared to yesterday, when I woke up really happy and enthusiastic about life and was thinking that I really didn’t want to hear that nothing is real, it’s all an illusion. Today I would really have been quite happy to read that lesson.
But I’ve actually been thinking more about real-world, practical solutions to how I felt this morning. Firstly, I hate not having coffee first thing because I feel like I lose out on my most productive part of the day. I also don’t really feel like getting up when all I have to look forward to is a cup of tea. It’s just so insipid and uninspiring. It seems like a silly idea to stop doing something that genuinely makes my days better. I love my morning routine of writing, reading and contemplating life, and when I don’t have coffee first thing, I just really struggle through that.
The second thing is, yesterday, I felt pretty happy and relaxed through most of the day, but in the end I didn’t get to finish all the freelance work I wanted to, and I didn’t finish work until 6pm, at which point I felt like the productive part of my day was over. So I ended up feeling quite unsatisfied and unhappy with how the day had panned out. I think having time and space at the end of the day to tidy up, potter, do some extra things that maybe weren’t necessarily on my to do list is what helps me feel, both in control of my life, but also that life is good. I really hate feeling rushed, and when I just have no time to stop and smell the roses after finishing work for the day, I’m not happy.
So, in a complete reversal of what I have been trying to do, which has been to just let myself sleep in in the mornings in an attempt to prioritise sleep, as we’re all told we should do, I think I’m going to go back to setting an alarm and forcing myself back to more of a 5am wake-up. The reason is I just HATE waking up late because I feel behind ALL DAY. I know it’s probably a mental flaw but it just makes me nervous to feel like I won’t get all my top priorities, my have-tos, done if anything goes wrong.
On a good day, if I wake up early, I can be done with my morning routine AND breakfast AND sometimes even my morning exercise by 9am, and then I can get all my freelance work done by lunchtime, leaving me with the whole afternoon to play – by which I mean a bit of gardening, a bit of housework, a bit of a potter, maybe even working at a hobby. Life feels pretty good when I’m in that kind of routine because I feel like I’m living intentionally, the way I CHOOSE to live. I feel like I’m in control of how I’m living, rather than just running along like crazy while never actually getting anywhere.
It’s surprisingly easy, I find, to fall into a state of firefighting and only being able to get the basics of life done, like eating, sleeping, working and exercise. Yes, those things are the bare bones of life that (in my opinion) HAVE to be done, and stuff like having a nice home and garden, taking care of your appearance, reading, working towards bigger goals, etc are maybe just nice-to-haves. But, well, that’s just it – it’s nice to have those extras in your life. But maybe more importantly, it’s great to feel you have the breathing space to look around you, check in, and ask whether you are working on the things that really matter to you.
Plus, I’ve been letting myself sleep in for a while now and I don’t feel any better for it, and all that’s happening is I’m just ending up going to sleep later and later, and ending up just watching more and more TV in the evenings because I don’t feel tired. Maybe I’m just the sort of person who needs to push myself a bit more in order to feel really alive. I definitely think I feel more energetic when I know I have plenty to do.
So I was going to write a bit about running next, and I’ve actually written another 1200 words, all about running, but it was really just me working through in my own head what I want to change in my running training going forward and, honestly, I don’t actually think it’s even slightly relevant to this blog at the moment. In fact, I’m not sure even the most die-hard runners would be particularly interested! So I’m going to end this here. Maybe I’ll bring some running content in later on if it feels like it’s related to the other stuff I’m posting. With this blog I am trying to just let it be what it is and just write about whatever is on my mind each day and get into the habit of blogging as regularly as I can, and leave any strategy to later on if ever in the journey.
Actually, the running stuff is kind of relevant in that sense, because I’ve mostly always gone with the flow in my running training as well and whenever I have stopped and tried to plan things more strategically or follow advice and training plans, it’s not worked for me. So one of the things I’ve been trying to figure out lately is how to incorporate a little bit more strategy into my running without ruining the good thing I’ve already got going on. I like to feel relaxed when I run and I don’t really like to push myself, especially pace-wise, because it just doesn’t feel good to me. I end up just not wanting to run basically. I like running fast, but on my terms, so if I feel like running faster then I will but if I feel sluggish or achey or tight, it just doesn’t feel like a sensible thing to push myself.
And I guess I do the same with writing. I love just writing a stream of consciousness when I write but whenever I try to be strategic or plan what I’m going to write in advance, I seem to get stuck and I stop loving it and then I stop doing it. So it’s going to be quite an interesting dry-run attempting to bring a little bit of strategy into my running, and the results might be helpful in the future for maybe attempting to also bring some strategy into this blog.
So I’ll leave it there and will hopefully be back tomorrow with whatever is on my mind when I wake up tomorrow morning.