So, I’m not sure how this is going to go. I’m really happy right now. Running is going super well and I have set myself some really exciting but realistic goals. I’ve realised I have the ability to hit some goals that I think I’d kind of given up on actually and that’s just so beyond exciting and thrilling.
And then I read today’s ACIM (A Course in Miracles) lessons. Actually, I missed a few days so I’m going back over the review lessons, which come after the first 50 lessons. So today’s lesson was going back over lessons 6 to 10. And it’s all about how nothing we see is real, and we’re just seeing the past. And we’re seeing things connected to our thoughts which are all an illusion. And if we can drop these meaningless thoughts then we will really see. And we’ll be connected to, um, what word to use, the infinite field of possibilities, as Pam Grout would say, or the universe, or love.
But the problem is, when you’re already happy, you don’t WANT to get rid of those happy thoughts. When you’re happy you want to hang on to this supposed ILLUSION. What if this reality ACIM talks about isn’t actually as good as the illusion I’m currently making up? It’s confusing actually.
Why am I happy right now? I’m optimistic about my running. That’s really the main reason, to be honest. I feel like I have some freedom in terms of my daily life right now. I feel mostly relaxed, although, to be honest, I am feeling quite nervous about my upcoming ultra.
So, I’m excited and optimistic and looking forward to future success, basically. I love the training as well, but I’m probably not happy because of looking forward to training. I’m probably mainly happy because I’m optimistic that I can do a good time in my next half marathon. And that in a year I might even be able to do a marathon PB, and that would be incredible.
It’s great to be so positive and happy BUT that is kind of based on things going well right now. And we all know that things don’t always go so completely smoothly. So, then what happens? Pessimism creeps in. We don’t get as many endorphins from running because maybe we’re having to take it easier on more of the runs. Or things are just seemingly moving in the wrong direction again, or at least stagnating. And it’s just not as exciting and maybe it’s just a case of knuckling down and doing the work.
Often, I think what does for me (and my goals and happiness) is not even the bad times but the “meh” times. Where I’ll wake up and just not feel very excited about doing another run at easy pace, or even another speed session. It will start to feel like a grind and not fun. It will start to feel like a long time and a lot of work between rewards or fun stuff like races and PBs.
So, the goal of studying ACIM is to feel happy ALL the time, not just when things seem to be going as well as they possibly could do or when you have a lot of stuff to look forward to. I’m sure it’s great to always be looking forward to great experiences and I think, I imagine, from this viewpoint of not yet really getting the whole miracle-based life thing, only being on lesson 50 of the 365 lessons of ACIM, I imagine that the goal of the course is to always feel so positive about everything that you basically feel the way I felt when I plugged my 5k time into an online calculator and it spat out a marathon PB time for me, or the way I felt at the Liverpool cross country cheering Emile Caress on.
If that’s the goal, then that would really be worth it. I mean, it must be, right? That feeling or even better? Because otherwise why would people want it? I suppose I’ve so far been coming at this from the perspective of unhappiness. It’s how it often works isn’t it? You feel unsatisfied or downright unhappy with your life and so you pick up some form of self-help book. Then, as soon as you start to feel a bit better, the urge to keep on studying it or doing the exercises it prescribes, gradually fades. And eventually you end up back in dissatisfaction and unhappiness and the whole cycle starts again. It happens in other areas too. I find that I only do yoga when I have back ache. As much as I like doing yoga, unless I have back ache, I can’t seem to make myself do it!
So, as I say, I started reading ACIM some time either end of last year or beginning of this because I wasn’t very happy with my life. There were a number of reasons for that. But the short story is I needed solace. I needed to be told that it would all be alright in the end. I needed to find a way to feel happy despite my life circumstances, or even better, a way to improve my life circumstances.
But I think ACIM and other positive thinking techniques I’ve been using have already improved my life to this point where I’m feeling pretty happy. And now I’m starting to see that this could be even more motivating. Because now, maybe, I’m starting to see glimpses of what life could ALWAYS feel like. It’s hard because I definitely feel like I’ve been conditioned by the world around me to be suspicious of happy feelings. “They’re not going to last, pride comes before a fall, don’t count your chickens” etc, etc. But feeling good feels good. And I need to start focusing on that happiness and understanding that that is what I’m shooting for by studying ACIM. Feeling as if I’ve just run a PB every moment of every day.
Because, if that’s not what it’s all about, then why would people call it a miracle, you know?
So, my message to myself and anyone reading this is, stop being suspicious of happiness and success. That’s what life is supposed to be like ALL the time. That’s what you should be aiming for always. Yes, it feels like that’s a long way off right now when it’s more good days than bad days, but that’s why we study these texts or practices right?