Today’s A Course in Miracles lesson, number 76, is I’m under no laws but God’s (or love’s). The meaning is that I should stop worrying about all the things I usually worry about and only think about loving and giving my life to others. That’s the long and the short of it.
I think I’m a very selfish person. To be honest, I think the majority of us are brought up to be selfish these days. I was just thinking about how incredibly shallow I was when I was young, right up until my teenage years and beyond. I’m not sure I’m that much less shallow not actually. But back then I literally think I only cared about cute boys. The films I liked had Charlie Sheen in or Matt Dillon or someone like that. Kiefer Sutherland. I didn’t really care what the movie was about, whether it had an important message or even a good plot line, just whether a cute guy was in it. I don’t think I ever really thought about doing stuff to help other people, not really. I was too busy worrying about myself. I think I probably felt like my life was too shit as it was to make it any worse by putting myself into difficult situations.
I’m still a bit like that to be honest. I can’t imagine helping at a homeless shelter. Even leading a group at my running club has pretty much ruined running club for me. When I volunteer at parkrun I honestly don’t really feel that good about it. I just wish I was running. I don’t seem to get those wonderful feelings other people talk about from helping other people.
Pretty horrid, right?
In fairness I think quite a few of today’s miracle or light workers preach a bit of a selfish message themselves. It’s kind of spirituality lite. A version of being loving and giving while actually looking after number one first. Putting on your own breathing mask before you help anyone else. Is that really a wise piece of advice or just a convenient way to make your own life better at the expense of other people?
I use this as an excuse still. My life is still so crap that I can’t afford to try to help others. Once I get my own life together, I’ll have more time, more money, more resources to help others with and so it’s actually kinder to improve my own life first. I’m doing those other people a favour by not attempting to help them now when I’m so in need of help myself.
One of my nephews is staying with my parents at the moment and he challenges you in that he has strong opinions about right and wrong and helping others and he doesn’t let you get away with the usual shallow topics of conversation about nothing. It makes me question my values and what I spend my time on.
I’m selfish, I want all this stuff like better health, success at running and at writing, plenty of money, love from others, a nice comfy environment. But I suppose rather than trying to beat myself over the head with this requirement that I be kind to others and put others first because it’s the right thing to do, the message of ACIM is that it’s the only way to peace, light, love, happiness for ever more.
Those other things might bring you fleeting joy but only love, and by that I mean the love you feel and show towards others, not the love you crave FROM others, which is just another false and temporary crutch, ONLY the love you give away, the gifts you give away, will bring forever joy.
Every single thing we’ve ever been taught our whole lives, except maybe in church or when reading a really authentic self-help book, is the opposite of that. Every movie, every novel, every friend, every advertisement, is bombarding us with the message that happiness comes from external pleasures. Even the ones that purport to give us a purer and more selfless message, they still end up with the hero or heroine living happily ever after in great wealth or having found the love of their life, as though all of their good deeds and so on were just something they had to get through to reach their real reward.
I think this course is very hard to follow. I’m not a good student. I am reluctant to continue on this path because I still want all those tangible external rewards I was promised in all the fairy tales I ever read and continue to read. Also, I don’t have any evidence yet of what this joy is that is promised. Can it really be better than a shiny new PB or another person’s approval? Only time will, hopefully, tell.