I’m struck by the difference between the joy this lesson (#77, ACIM) is supposed to bring, and how I feel about it. I feel like miracles are not so much a gift as something I must make happen, a change I must make to my not good enough character. That is, I feel like a miracle, supposedly meaning a change in how we think, is going to make me stop caring about being a good runner, or wanting so much stuff, but at the moment I still WANT to want that stuff. I still WANT the good life. Although I think theoretically I like the idea of enlightenment, of feeling good all the time no matter what, on an emotional level I still feel like I’m going to have to give stuff up to get enlightenment. In other words, I think I see it as a bit of a goody two shoes life where you don’t even WANT sugar or alcohol or achievements and all that because you’re just so pure and loving and selfless.
Which is kind of silly in a way because surely if you FEEL good you feel good, even if you are feeling good about a life that, right now, doesn’t feel good. If you see what I mean? It’s kind of like a catch 22. Right now I can’t see how I could possibly feel good about not earning enough, not having a boyfriend, not having a job I love, being a little overweight, not having run a PB for X years. And because I can’t see how I can feel good about that stuff, I can’t feel good about that stuff.
And that is the miracle that’s available to us all, right now, no questions asked. To be able to see EVERYTHING differently. To be able to see only love and light and goodness everywhere in all things. To feel as good right now sitting alone in my house that is very dilapidated and which I don’t have the money to make much better, not as fit as I want to be, hungover and craving sugar, unsuccessful, with a task list that includes tasks I feel I should do but don’t want to, and a cycling race I really can’t wait to watch but know I shouldn’t, as if I had just met the love of my life, while running a dream PB of 3:30 (no let’s go all in and say 3 hours) in my dream marathon, at the same time as having a bestseller and several other books ready to go, about to move into my new house, oh after I’ve just spent three weeks in Mallorca, in one of those gorgeous sea-front villas, and all with stunning hair of course, oh and not to mention that my new initiative for helping the homeless and drug addicts and making Britain into a really fabulous place to live has just been awarded a massive recognition and it’s now in the process of being rolled out to the rest of the world.
Yeah, to feel that good right now. On top of the world, while also hand in hand with everyone. Knowing that it’s all good all the time, right now. And forever no matter what.
That’s the miracle, that’s enlightenment, that’s what I know I SHOULD want, but I still want the stuff I just wrote about, and I think that, while I still want that, I won’t be able to get the miracle. But maybe that’s where I’m wrong, and that’s the very point of today’s lesson.
I’m entitled to miracles, right now, regardless of what my mind keeps telling me about being unworthy of them.