I have no idea what to say today. I’m wondering whether to take a break from writing and go and do something else first, to build up some inspiration. But I feel like I have to do my tasks in order, otherwise I just feel uncomfortable, like I’ve forgotten to do something, and I can’t properly concentrate on what’s in front of me. A few years ago, I developed this idea that I always knew what I SHOULD be doing because it was the thing that made me feel uncomfortable. If I tried to check my email right now, or study French, or something else that’s further down my to do list, I would have the nagging thought in the back of my mind that I still had to write this blog post.
I want to change how I think about the tasks that I have on my list, from thinking that I HAVE to get them over and done with so I can get on with the more pleasurable part of my day, to recognising, acknowledging and accepting that these tasks ARE my day, like it or not, and if I can’t do them with a smile on my face and a feeling of pleasure in my heart, then maybe I shouldn’t be doing them at all.
I genuinely do feel like that about writing. I love it. And once I’m off on a topic I’m interested in then I’m fully engaged and absorbed and have no desire to be doing anything else. When I let myself off the hook of my worrying brain, I enjoy running too. It’s hard work, it hurts sometimes, but mostly the reason I don’t LET myself enjoy it is because I’m so busy worrying about what’s to come, instead of simply enjoying what is now.
I think there’s an argument, probably from Buddhism, that you can make any task feel like this. Chop wood, carry water. That you simply need to sink in to the task at hand and in that way any task can feel good. I have to say I don’t like walking down to the supermarket to do my shopping. I don’t so much mind the actual shopping part and I’m always pretty relieved and happy to be on my way home, even if my bag’s often a bit too heavy. That’s why I usually wear my headphones, and escape into another world. To sweeten the pill of this necessary and (as I see it) unpleasant task. But if I do, for whatever reason, go without my headphones, I usually and in fact probably always find that, after a couple of minutes of discomfort and boredom initially, there are interesting gardens to look at and thoughts pop into my head.
This is what I’m seeking, today and going forward, to tune into that inner voice, to tune into the world around me, instead of tuning out. To make myself available for miracles, for changes of my mind, for breezes of inspiration, for what I hope will turn out to be a wonderful life, a wonderful world, instead of the terrifying, disappointing and painful one I imagined for myself long ago and have been hiding from ever since.