So, at the moment, in working through the lessons of A Course in Miracles, I’m in another review section. So all the lessons right now are lessons I’ve already done over the last month. And I’ve been getting really frustrated and impatient with it: “oh, same old same old, I already studied this, why do we have to go over it again, and they’re not saying anything new about it, this is pointless”.
Then, just now, I went back to look over my last few blog posts because I was wondering what on earth to write about today and I was worried I was going to end up just saying exactly the same as I said yesterday because I’m kind of just obsessed by the topic of mindfulness at the moment, but when I went back, one of the posts had no title so I was intrigued and went to look at what it was about. And what was interesting to me was that I was writing, in that post, about the day’s ACIM lesson: I’m under no laws but God’s. And basically all of the recent lessons have been on the same theme: forgiveness is your only purpose and it’s the only purpose that will lead to happiness. But when I looked at what I’d written about this, exactly a week ago, my take on it was completely different to how I understand it now.
I was focused on how I shouldn’t be worrying about all these mundane ego-driven purposes I’ve given myself, like being fit, or having money, or being successful or having a great social life. I should instead just be focusing on love and forgiveness. And my take was that, because I couldn’t seem to do that, I couldn’t seem to drop my desire to have all these mundane things, I must be a selfish person. In other words, in order to find happiness, I needed to become a selfless loving person who gives her life for others.
I now think that I had this completely and utterly backwards. It’s not about TRYING to MAKE ourselves be HOLIER than thou, and goody two shoes types who have these dull lives and suppress all the things they really want. It’s about dropping the worry and the stress and the ANGST we have about all this stuff we want but don’t seem to be getting, and forgiving ourselves and others for all these perceived grievances, all these things that are preventing us from getting our way.
Our work, the only work we have to do, and the work that will lead us, not to this dull life of prayer and good work and selflessness, but to everything we could ever dream of and more, is to notice every time one of these blocks come up and let it go. That’s the work. That’s the law. That’s our purpose. Shining light and love on our problems.
I had it backwards: I’m not unhappy because I’m selfish and shallow. I’m selfish and shallow BECAUSE I’m not happy. And I’m not happy because I’m holding on to all these perceived slights, and the unfairness and the blame and the guilt and the self-doubt and the lack of confidence and the feeling of never being good enough and the jealousy and the envy.
Learning to let go of these negative feelings and beliefs and thoughts is my life work, the only work, and the pathway to everything good.
And while I’m at it, reviewing the same lessons of ACIM is never a waste of my time. And maybe there are no mistakes, because if I hadn’t forgotten to put a title on that blog post a week ago, I would never have gone back and read it again, and I wouldn’t have had this realisation.