I think my writing is a form of meditation. I use it to clear my mind by uncovering all of the crud that is lying there, just under the surface, and getting in the way of peace, bliss, contentment.
I think that when I try to censor my writing or wait for inspiration to strike, that’s when I get writer’s block. Because I don’t know what I’m going to say until I start to say it.
I feel very lucky to have this quiet house, this quiet space, to write in. What Michael A Singer was craving and had to seek out and build, I already have, really. I mean I have some responsibilities and hobbies and things. The biggest block for me may be that I can’t imagine ever putting anything ahead of my family (and other people too actually, and not just friends either, but anyone asking anything of me) and my running.
The second of those should be easier than the first, but I’ve held on to it for so long now.
Actually, thinking about it, I also prioritise money/security, even if I don’t necessarily seek out a lot of it, and prestige/approval/acceptance.
This is what enlightenment means, I think. Stripping away all of those outer wants. Every single one of them, and focusing only on peace, love, light, in other words letting things be as they are and loving them.
I know this, intellectually, I can understand that I am still seeking love in all the wrong places, in success, in admiration, in acceptance, in being like everyone else, in love from other people, in comfort, in safety, in certainty, in possessions, in entertainment, in pride in myself. In being right. In getting revenge.
But I still think first about, how am I going to earn more money? How am I going to become a successful writer? How am I going to become a faster runner? How am I going to make new friends? What should I say to make people like me? If I’d said this instead of that would that person have reacted more positively to me? Stayed longer? How am I going to solve my parents’ problems? What would I do if this happened or this? Can I just numb my feelings for a little while by playing this game and flooding myself with endorphins? Will this new book or author or YouTuber be the key to my success and happiness?
Over and over again.
And none of it ever works. Life goes up and down and round and round and nothing ever really changes. One thing improves, another worsens, one problem is resolved, another crops up in its place.
It’s time for a new way of thinking. Another new habit is required. I’ve been over my morning “gratitude” journaling for a while now. It’s not been very gratitude focused to be honest, and more of a general grumbling or a wondering of what to do. I am usually in a better place by the time I come to writing my book or this blog, because by then I’ve done my ACIM (A Course in Miracles) lesson for the day (and had my coffee). But I think it would be helpful if I used my morning journaling to reframe my concerns, my worries, my desires that are holding me back from finding bliss. So starting from tomorrow, every time I write down or think of a worry or a desire or a problem or even start trying to plan something, I’ll then try to let it go, reframe it, forgive myself for looking in the wrong place for the light, and move on.
When I first started this blog, the idea was to get to the essential and get rid of the unnecessary, in order to live a happier life. This reframing and rewiring of my problem-creating/problem-solving brain is perhaps that essential thing I’ve been looking for.