This topic just popped into my head. Am I afraid of people and do I feel not good enough, or in fact, a lot of the time, do I just not like people? Because I was invited to something recently and I basically got into a big stress about it trying to resolve my feelings, apply forgiveness, let go, surrender, use the teachings of ACIM, all that good stuff I’ve been working so hard on. The main aim being to get to a place where I would feel able to go. I wrote and I wrote and I cried and I cried but in the end I just gave up because I was getting nowhere and I felt I had better things to do with my time. And in the end I didn’t go. And I felt really alright about it.
And I suppose what’s occurred to me is was I chasing the wrong goal when I was doing the forgiveness, in trying to MAKE myself ok with going? Or should I have had a different goal from the start – namely being ok with NOT going? Because that’s what ended up happening. I realised that I didn’t WANT to go. Not one part of me even WANTED to WANT to go, which often is something that happens to me where something scares me but I really wish I felt able to go, and then sometimes I will make myself go even though I’m scared, but sometimes I’ll still not go because the fear is too much and I tell myself it won’t be what I want it to be.
But in this case, I realise, I just didn’t want to go. It didn’t sound like something I would in any way enjoy. And underneath even that, I mean a lot of my crying and writing was all about how I didn’t feel good enough, that people don’t like me don’t find me interesting and all that, but I guess by writing all that I maybe cleared all of that feeling of inferiority.
So that’s gone, but I still actually feel this underlying sense that actually I don’t really like the people who were going to be there. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them. I can see they have good points. I just don’t want to spend any time with them. Hence, the wondering about whether, sometimes, when I think I don’t want to do something because I’m insecure, it’s actually just that I don’t like being sociable. Because I don’t like some (most?) people.
I’m completely willing to accept that there’s a good chance that the reason I don’t like people (or think I don’t) is simply that I’m so insecure and/or uncomfortable around most people that I’m unable to fully enjoy social stuff and connect. But just for the moment I’m playing devil’s advocate about this. What if Bella, let’s call her, and even her husband in most circumstances, are just not my cup of tea? A little too loud and aggressive and kind of fast-talking so you don’t really ever get time to think or ponder, and it leaves you feeling inadequate and boring because they’re just not interested in proper conversation. And what if Mickey, this other friend who was the only other person I knew who was definitely going to be there, is just a little bit too quiet, and then also a little bit fixed in his views you know and overconfident so that you can’t ever have a nice discussion because he’s already decided what he thinks about everything. So conversations are always just a description of something with no analysis you know?
And I feel really bad even writing this because I just never do this stuff, like, ever. I’ve always taken the approach that, if I have a problem with someone, it’s my fault, because everyone’s nice underneath. I mean, I have to say, these are NICE people. Upstanding, responsible, intelligent, good people. I’m not saying I would call it my fault if someone was mean, although, actually that is what I do. It’s partly that I don’t like to feel like a victim. I like to feel like there is something to fix, if something goes wrong. So I prefer to think it’s my fault and that if I change X about myself that sort of thing won’t happen again. Although the truth is that never works. People continue to ignore me or be slightly mean to me or look bored or what have you. And I decide it’s my fault and try to change and the incident sticks in my heart and I can’t get rid of it and so then the next time I feel worse and people continue to be, well, just not what I wish they were.
So, it feels really wrong, bad, like it’s not fair of me, to admit that maybe just maybe – although I think these people are nice in a general sense of the word, and although I have on occasion had nice conversations with them or they’ve even done something nice for me – I don’t find them fun to be around.
Which just comes back to it being something wrong with me, in the end, doesn’t it? And maybe the truth is that I’m not very good at relinquishing control, and facing the discomfort that makes me feel. And for that I can only forgive myself, let my feelings go, and try to look for small ways to relinquish a little bit of control here and there, and to face discomfort, through practices such as meditation, single-tasking and yoga.