I really feel like I have nothing to say right now. I can’t even remember if I posted yesterday actually. So I suppose I do have something to say. There’s ALWAYS something to say. This morning I’m feeling the need to double down on self-discipline and resist the temptation of numbing behaviours. And that was all working fine until I just went to eat breakfast, and suddenly I was back in reality and the world and life, and I now feel this desire to take the pressure off by watching a YouTube video or eating something delicious but unhealthy, keep filling my tummy until it doesn’t have this gnawing restlessness inside it, although I suspect that’s really coming from my thoughts. And this is despite doing a whole load of meditation this morning and a really good meditative breathing-focused yoga session, and eating a healthy breakfast and even sitting out in the sun to eat it, single tasking.
But I think what happened was that, after I’d done my morning tasks of journaling, studying A Course in Miracles, writing, meditation and yoga, and I actually stopped doing stuff that occupied my brain and went to just cook, which is sort of mindless for me, it’s one of those tasks where I would normally put an audio book or a YouTube video on to accompany me, to hide the silence, stop myself thinking. And so, without those things, I just ended up thinking about worldly stuff like running, and my upcoming holiday and what I’m going to do about eating and drinking while I’m away. And I think that’s what’s unsettled me and made it feel difficult to sink back into the calmness and stillness necessary to write; to sit, to be disciplined, to work through my tasks and avoid the distractions.
I think I need to work on being actually mindful while I do mundane tasks, and not simply let my thoughts run away with themselves, chattering away, worriting away. Otherwise, I’m probably not doing any better than if I were to simply stick on an audio of some kind.
I’ve noticed a growing reluctance to post on this blog lately, but maybe that’s just a habit issue, given that I’ve been breaking a lot of other habits recently as well. So I’m just going to continue posting as often as I can, about whatever happens to be on my mind.