It’s been a while. I was on holiday for a week and then have spent a week trying to get my habits back, trying to get my mind back really, as it tends to go a bit AWOL when I drink, eat sugar, and don’t have any time for myself, all of which happened on holiday.
I’m now on A Course in Miracles (ACIM) day 102 and the lesson is about happiness being my one function and my only desire and purpose.
I am a worrier. I worry constantly pretty much. To the extent that I don’t think I’ve ever really known what I wanted for myself, probably with the one exception of running/fitness/health/weight loss I suppose. But I think mostly I just worry about other people, all the time. At the moment, as well as worrying a lot about money because I’m just not getting enough work coming in and haven’t done for about six months now, and I don’t know what else to do for money because I’ve been doing this freelance work for over 10 years now, probably 15, and I haven’t had an actual job for most of that time and before then I was working for a charity shop, which is really low paid anyway so even if I could find another job in that sector, it wouldn’t necessarily make things any better, so it’s a worry.
But aside from that, I’m worrying mostly about how dilapidated my house and garden are and the fact that I think I overheard my neighbour’s grandson going on about the state of the path in front of my house and you know the front of my house and stuff. So it’s been really bothering me, but I kind of feel like I can’t do much about it because I don’t have the money or the energy or the time or the skills you know?
So I believe that there will always be something you can use as an excuse not to be happy. There will always be something you can worry about, someone not entirely pleased with you for whatever reason, or some perceived task to do. Even if you got to the bottom of your own to do list for your own house, supposing you were some kind of Monica Geller type who just didn’t stop until she’d got everything beautiful etc, there would be something else. There will always be something else. And even if your life were actually perfect then other people would probably hate you and criticise you or threaten you and there’s always just the fact that we’re hurtling through space on a rock you know.
The only way to happiness and peace is to choose it now no matter what. To say that, I know there will always be something I can choose to worry about instead of happiness. And so I am simply choosing, right now, right this instant, to be happy. That’s the only way.
But how do you actually DO that? How do you drop the worries? Let them go? Choose happiness? Honestly, I’m not sure. Definitely, I can do it sometimes. I have done it. That is the work and the practice. ACIM is simply suggesting that I sit in quiet meditation for five minutes every hour, simply focusing on my one function being happiness. And maybe it will work. Certainly, it’s not an inconsequential thing to focus on it this many times a day. To simply keep on reminding myself over and over again to choose happiness, no matter what. To know that happiness is there for me no matter what my circumstances are.
That is the work of today.